writings - "walking daze"

it amazes me how much of our lives we live on autopilot, knee-jerk responses from what we're used to doing.

example, i was just in the bathroom, went to wash my hands, and the typical sounds of people taking a crap, running the water, and pulling down the lever of the paper towel dispenser were going off. i went to dry my hands, pulled the lever of the paper towel dispenser and nothing was coming out. went to the other one on the other side of the bathroom, and same thing. nothing was coming out. then i saw a roll of paper towels in the center of the row of sinks. i pulled a few sheets out and started drying my hands.

as i took a step back and just observed the moment, i saw the next dude wash his hands, go to the paper towel dispenser on the left side of the sinks, pull down the handle a few times, notice that nothing was coming out, went to the right side, still nothing, and then found the middle roll and dried his hands with that.

i thought, did he not just see me go through that process? i mean, he was standing here the whole time waiting for the sink to open. how did he not just see me go through that whole process.

i threw my paper towel in the trash and started walking out, as i hear yet another dude pulling down the lever of the paper towel dispenser.

i got confused. and i'm wondering, how much of our lives is on autopilot? "i need to dry my hands, use paper towel dispenser" completely oblivious to the reality that's screaming at our face in this moment right now.

how much of our lives are we just repeating because it's what "worked" yesterday? maybe this is how alcoholism and drug addictions occur. i know when i used to drink a lot, i'd tell myself "i will never drink this much ever again. i hate it when i'm this drunk. I'm going to hate myself in the morning. i will never do it again." and then the next time i'm at a party, i would just find myself taking shot after shot, and then regretting it 5 minutes later.

so here's my pondering. is there a point where we'll all "wake up" and everything will be fresh, everything will be now, everything will be the way it was when we were little and first born into this earth. curious. in wonder. not having a clue what'll happen in the future, and just acting through our deepest most authentic selves? never having any attention on the "past", because there is no past. never worrying about an imaginary future outcome/consequence in our head, because we haven't even conceived of one yet. is there a point where we can get back to that place? what buddhists call the "beginner's mind"?

or is this just the game we're stuck having to play? the game of noticing our autopilot responses, and unconsciously making the same destructive decisions over and over again, until it finally hits us "hmm, let's see, i've made this decision 52 times before, and nothing good has ever come from it. let's try something new" and then finally changing. isn't there an easier way? a way where we're not checked out in this trance in our head of imagined past and future completely oblivious to the world arising moment to moment around us?