why am i crying? i have no reason to. i also have no one around
i feel so alone. no one's home, and i'm sitting here listening to angels and airwaves
and being reminded of her and all the unresolved emotions i still have from our "relationship"
it's so hard for me to write now. i'm looking at my old writings and i'm thinking
"who wrote that? it sure as fuck wasn't me" and it's such a sad feeling
when you look at the things you've created in your life and can't even take credit for it
like i don't even deserve to value what i've made
so here i am, being the poet i know myself to be
using words to bring this pain out of my body and onto something tangible
art? sure, if that's what you want to call it
i don't get it, why am i so hard on myself? what the fuck is this?
i stare at myself in the mirror and i can't even stay connected
i feel angry, frustrated, scared, nervous, awkward, and sad all at the same time
like a time bomb under this landfill of emotions in my being
and if i look myself in the eye for a second too long, it'll explode
so now what? am i going to blame it on girls like i usually do?
maybe childhood, maybe it was watching my parents strangle each other when i was 5
hearing one say "aurash call 911" and the other say "no, don't"
i guess i'll just sit and watch then
or maybe it was coming home from first grade and noticing the broken clock and remote control
"dad, why's the remote control broken?" "oh, mom threw it at me"
i'm terrified of knifes, i can't explain it
but i'm sure it has something to do with mom pulling it out on dad
so i would just sit and play video games all day and play on the computer
it was my safety from the world, no one can hurt me when i'm playing mario
when mom and dad are screaming, i can just ignore them and be pre-occupied
when they say "not in front of aurash" i can just pretend i didn't hear them
when i hear them calling all my relatives screaming about how much of an asshole the other is
i'll just sit there and look pretty, while everyone says "aurash is such a nice boy"
so now what, i'm 22 years old and i still have a safety complex
there's moments where someone can say just the right thing
and i'll feel my life is on the line and i'm about to die
i'm still terrified of the dark, i feel like someone's about to grab me and choke me
i can face it, i can sit in it and want to kill myself, but it still won't go away
it's still part of me, running me
so here's my dream, detaching from all of this
if i'm sitting in the dark, i'm not going to feel my heart beat out of my brains
i'm not going to have images of every horror movie i've ever seen in my life
i won't be feeling someone creeping up behind me with a knife about to stab and brutally torment me
i won't have these thousands upon thousands of stuck behavior patterns, "trips", hallucinations of the past
everything will be present, everything will be now
nothing imagined or traumatic from the past will ever re-appear again in the present
this is my dream