Been reflecting a lot today. Haven't really written in a while. Like, REALLY written. I feel a lot has shifted in me lately. A lot of therapy. A lot of amazing friends who still love me when I don't love myself. A lot of fun turning our house into a haunted house for halloween.
Halloween's usually the worst time of the year for me. My allergies and asthma are at their highest high and I feel like I'm about to die. This year it got bad, but I've been working through it all. Whatever reminders of the past I had were felt through, with the realization that the past is just a bunch of mental pictures in my head, words I say to myself, and sensations in my body that I label as an emotion, and that life is happening moment to moment all around me whether my eyes are open to it or not.
I know more about subjective realities, traumas, and how your past experiences shape what you call "your life" than I ever wanted to know. It's amazing. The same way I can maneuver around the nooks and crannies of a computer constantly surprising myself of how I got to point B from point A, I can get resolution around the challenges I have with my own personal psychology. Traumas are like little viruses on your mind-computer. They take over and sit in the drivers seat, while making decisions that may not be relevant in present time, and sometimes block the memory of the events even happening in the first place. First step is to recognize that it's happening, and how you're creating a life that you don't want. Next find the little bugger and where it's stored in your hard drive, trace it back to how it's messing up your life. Consciously run it and let yourself fully BE it, and notice what happens. Then consciously UN-BE it, so there's a space of acceptance, and from there you can easily right click, delete, and let it go.
I really feel that I'm on the final stages of my healing. Spending more time putting my attention on how I want to live my life right now, as opposed to finding myself stuck in the past. I feel more space to be who I want to be, and less on auto-pilot stuckness. Less shame of who I am, and less pain, fear, guilt. More embracing of my geekiness that's slowly been taking over my nerdiness, and more appreciation of myself and the world around me. More love, and faith that life is becoming a fun video game that I get to play, and not some fucked up hell hole I was born into for no reason.
Pretty darn cool.
I already have a business idea too! It's going to be amazing. A super uber practical psychotherapist/life coach on your google phone / iphone, with step by step guides and directions to free yourself of where you get stuck. It'll be an integration of everything that I've learned and have found useful throughout the years. I told my therapist about the details and she got way excited, "that's EXACTLY what I need. You have no idea how useful that'll be for my clients... and you're the best person for it, because you can bridge both worlds of computers and psychology, and you have first hand experiences of the processes."
So yeah, I'm excited.
It's called Glitch, and it's going to change the world. One geek at a time.