this taste of tears is getting old
this bottled up reservoir of pain in my chest
these red watery eyes i’m staring at in the mirror
this mountain of tissue i’ve built on my desk
all make me feel human, but i’m sick of it
what’s my deepest truth right now?
i feel alone, trapped, and stuck
how much more of this do i need to go through?
i’m hanging out with her, and she’s walking right next to me, but she feels so far away
the more she’s happy joking and having fun, the further and further away i feel
she has no idea how much i like her
no idea how much i envy how real she is with herself
no idea how much i appreciate how much she makes me laugh and smile
and cry when i’m home alone with myself wondering why i can’t just own that i want her
and do something about it
she’s too good for me
i wouldn’t be able to handle her
she wouldn’t want a guy like me
she’s too comfortable and confident to be with an anxious insecure unsure wounded boy like me
these are all the thoughts that flood through my head
i don’t even know what it is i really want
i just want to be closer
i want to be able to hold her
i want to be comfortable
i want to “be myself”
say what i mean and mean what i say… with my heart
but i’m fucking terrified
she’ll leave me
she’ll cheat on me
she’ll lie, fuck with my head
or just fuck someone else and not tell me about it
this is all so real to me, i feel it in my body
i’m re-experiencing everything my ex-girlfriend did to me with her
and we haven’t even kissed yet
i know in my head it’s all bullshit
but my body seems to disagree
and i don’t know what the fuck to do
i’m stuck with these bricks of unresolved emotion holding me back
i feel like i’m walking through life into club “love” and “hot steamy passionate sex”
with these bouncers with their arms crossed shaking their heads and saying no
you can’t come in
you’re not good enough
you don’t belong here
i want it all to stop
i want to be able to freely love and explore like i used to before my ex-girlfriend
i don’t want all these negative thoughts and fucked up memories constantly haunting me
i want to be pure again
i want to have fun
i want to be able to just take a risk and see what happens
without shaking and shivering in deathlike fear
of something i don’t even know is going to happen