why did i stick around for as long as i did?
because she was a dork, she was playful, and so much fun to be around
she would make me smile, laugh, make dumb jokes and laugh at mine
we'd tease each other, we'd playfight, we'd tackle each other to our knees
we'd talk for hours in the park about nothing or go for an adventure at the beach
she knew all the right things to say, and i'd fall for all her lines every time
i just wish some of them were true
i've now learned that sweet nothings are still nothing
and empty promises are still empty
and loving lines feel great in the short term
but they'll hurt like a bitch in the end, if they're not true
when i was around her she made me feel unique, special, like i was worth something
like i was the only guy around that mattered, the only guy she really cared about and loved
but while i was away, she'd cheat, and all those feelings would go to shit
but when i'd run into her again, all those feelings would retardedly come back
a push pull feeling, wondering does she want me? does she not?
with her words saying one thing, and her actions showing another
and an endless loop tugging your heart into both directions
literally making you feel like it'll rip apart and explode
but for some reason, i put up with it, it felt worth it
i wasn't quite ready to let go
i was just so comfortable around her, i had so much fun with her
i was never bored and couldn't get enough of her
my friend's eyes would light up when she'd introduce herself as my girlfriend
"dude she's so cute, and she's fun too! good job man" and it felt good,
i know a girl's not a trophy you show off to all your friends to prove how cool you are
but it still felt good, she was a best friend that i loved, had fun, shared my heart and grew with
i never felt like i had to think of what to say, everything just flowed
it felt natural, we clicked, it felt right
i could just lay there cuddling knowing it'd be alright
my palms wouldn't sweat, my voice wouldn't crack, i rarely felt nervous, and i never felt trite
i could make stupid rhymes like i am right now, and she wouldn't roll her eyes or lose sight
she knew exactly how to make me feel comfortable and put me at ease
not only that, but she'd fight for me, she'd cry over me
she wouldn't let go of me without putting up a fight
she made me feel wanted, attractive, and loved when i was with her
and that's what made it so hard
she knew all the feelings i've pined for all my life
and triggered each and every one of them even if i declined
she'd take care of me when i was too drunk
she'd stick up for me when someone teased me
she'd cook me dinner and take me out on dates
she'd buy me cute presents and write me cute love notes
and make me feel like i was the luckiest guy on earth
she was my best friend
and these are the things that i'll miss, but deep down i know it'll never work out
i've learned that there's times in a relationship where you'll either lose the girl or lose your self respect
but if you choose to put her above your own integrity, she'll lose respect for you and you'll lose her anyway
it's a catch 22, lose-lose situation, and it's sometimes just how things end up playing out
the hardest lesson i had to learn was that her cheating on me had nothing to do with me
i always heard it, i always wanted to believe it, but deep down it just felt like a lie to make me feel better
deep down i felt it had everything to do with me
maybe i wasn't attractive enough, maybe i wasn't funny enough
maybe if i had a bigger dick, she wouldn't have cheated on me
all these ridiculous insecurities came in like a virus infecting every brain cell as well as my heart
it paralyzed me, it raped my self esteem, i felt like i had to prove myself and win her love again
so i started sticking up for myself, i became a lot stronger
i wouldn't let her get away with stuff at least without a fight
i learned to communicate my feelings, and put up boundaries
i did everything i should have done except let her go and move on
there was still a part of me holding on
call her feelings fake, call them lies, call them just lines to manipulate me into sticking around
but the truth is that behind all the betrayal, the lies, and the empty promises
she did love me as much as she was capable of doing and she was my best friend
we hung out every day, we clicked, and we really did enjoy each other's company
she was just scared, she'd been abused, cheated on, lied to, and manipulated in the past
guys have taken advantage of her, guys have treated her like shit
guys have treated her the way she treated me
she had a broken heart, a shattered soul, and was wounded herself
then she meets a great guy, and she feels her love emotions go off and she thinks
"oh shit, this is going too well and i'm gonna get hurt again...
i better cheat on him first before he can hurt me"
which is not the brightest way of dealing with it, since it not only hurts the guy but herself too
but that's just a lesson learned in time
and in the meantime for me, it's no fucking excuse
your past is no excuse for you to cheat on me
and it will end our relationship no matter what
i really do believe you live and learn your lessons through time
i didn't feel that way then, but i do now
i finally went through all the wrong paths i could and got hurt even more
until finally surrendering to the most healthy choice i knew all along but didn't want to resort to doing
it's hard to let someone go, it's hard to say it's the end, it's hard to break things off with a girlfriend
especially if they're your first love, your first relationship, your first everything, your best friend
it's one thing to move on when a girl falls off the face of the planet and is dating someone new
it's another when she's calling you 14 times a day crying, saying how much she loves you, how sorry she is
how much she's changed, and how it'll never happen again
you want to believe her, you really do
and if you didn't still have feelings for her, you wouldn't have picked up the phone
and become stupid, you become entranced, denial becomes just "really really hopeful" in your mind
and it's a destructive heartbreaking path of life sugar-coated with ecstasy
and once again, you live and learn, and i've finally learned
on a side note, i'm sure if she hears this, she'll shit a brick
what an invasion of privacy! how dare you put our personal life out there for the world to see!
and it's just the fear of being judged speaking
i no longer have ill feelings towards her, and nor should anyone else
if you judge, feel angry, or think bad of her in any way, it's only a reflection of yourself
the world is your mirror, and if you judge someone for cheating, you're most likely judging yourself as well
if you feel defensive, it may be because there's a part of you that has or would cheat as well that you're denying
if i called you a pink rhinoceros, you'd laugh and think it's funny since in your heart you know it's not true
but if i called you a loser, a bitch, or a whore and you got offended and defensive
it's most likely because there's a part of you that's unsure and feels it's at least slightly true
there's never a reason to feel offended or defensive, unless you're protecting your ego from what is so
if you've cheated in the past, and you've learned from your mistakes, you wouldn't think "what a bitch"
you'd think "yeah, i've been there and that sucks, and it's a learning process that's just part of life."
you wouldn't feel the need to be judgmental about it and wish harm towards her
so just let it go, stop judging yourself, forgive yourself, and have compassion
and you won't care if people accept you or not, because you already accept yourself
life's too short to judge, hate or get angry, learn to appreciate
life's also a learning process
everyone takes a fall every now and then and makes a mistakes
just gotta learn to pick yourself back up and move on