i feel relaxed, awake and hopeful
blanketed with a stubborn melancholy feeling that won't go away
i'm actually paying more attention to class than i usually do
well i'm writing in my notebook too, but this is a huge step from just sleeping
i'm actually *gasp* learning something in calc
can't say i'm content though, cuz i'm not
i wish i had someone i could trust
someone real, who's honest with themselves and everyone around them
someone aware, who takes things as they are, and not what they could be
someone down to earth, who doesn't live up in the clouds or in their own world
someone completely themselves, who doesn't give a shit what other people think
someone who sticks up for themselves and won't put up with bullshit
someone who's words match their actions
ironically, the same thing you've been looking for in a guy all these years
i want someone i can sit around with, be lazy with, do absolutely nothing with
and still be content
the same way i was with you
someone nearby
someone downstairs maybe
i guess i'm already "loved"
if that's what you can call it
someone who fucks around with 2 other guys in a span of a month
and still calls me up saying she loves me, misses me, needs me
feels empty without me, and can't sleep without me
i'm in pseudo-love with a pseudo-girlfriend
so close to real, and yet so not
so close to true, yet not as true as i thought
i don't even know what to do anymore
i guess i'll find someone eventually
you said it yourself "you deserve someone better
someone who won't treat you like this
someone better than me"
a bit of a paradox, feels like a lie
a poor excuse for disinterest
a college rejection style letter stating i'm not good enough
that i'm not worth it
that i shouldn't even bother
decorated with compliments and lies
and handed with a kiss on the cheek
what i want is you
to be in a relationship with you
a real relationship, not an i'm-still-fucking-my-ex-and-denying-it one
to be able to trust you
and have my mind free of all the bullshit drama involved
free of the sherlock holmes games
the where's waldo book, and the scavenger hunt
trying to figure out if "dinner with dad" really means "cheating on you"
but what i want is something i can't have
because you're not the same person i thought you were
you said it yourself after the second time
"i feel like i've fucked up the one thing i've been trying to prove to you
all i wanted was your trust, but all i did was fuck it up even more"
we are all we can be right now
you fucked up, and we're paying the price
if you're not cool with that, we can be just friends
it really doesn't even matter anymore
it already feels like ground zero with you, we can only go up from here
but you can't expect me to believe that you'll commit, when you haven't in the past
i have no reason to believe you, and don't know if i ever will
things are all they can be right now
sure it's not what either of us want
but you can't bend jaded puzzle pieces till they fit
you just gotta work with what you got till they fall into place
you gotta fight the voices battling in your head
fight the feelings, fight the logic, and compromise what's right
logic will break your heart
and feelings will make you do ridiculous things you never thought you would
all proof that god has a sense of humor
building our bodies with contradicting cnn crossfire style debaters
on one side, the emotion filled heart claiming things feel right
and on the other, the logical stubborn mind
claiming that just cuz something feels good doesn't mean it's good for you
both brutally arguing against each other, draining the body's energy
till you can't help but to feel tired
oh so very tired