I find it ridiculous how something so small in the external world can fucking tear my internal world apart.
Life is going along fine, then I see something, hear something and feel my body in actual physical pain.
How can a series of words my friends say cause me to feel as if I was just punched in the stomach?
How can a series of musical notes make me feel as if someone stabbed me in the heart?
Nothing physically touched me. Nothing was physically done to me, and yet something was triggered in me.
An anchor. A conditioned response. A search command in my brain to tell my body how to feel.
Instructions: Hear the phrase "dinner with dad" from the outside world.
Flash back memories of when your ex-girlfriend said she was having dinner with her dad.
But was in reality going on a date with another dude, bringing him home and fucking him.
Simultaneously trigger pain in the stomach region of the body and physically shake.
Tears, aggression and yelling optional.
Instructions: Hear the lyrics "tonight I'm staring at the moonlight" from the ipod.
Flash back memories of sending your ex-girlfriend a text message of "aww, the moon's so pretty. Look at it"
And see a few days later that she forwarded that same text message to the guy she cheated on you with.
Simultaneously trigger feelings of your heart being ripped apart from the inside out.
Thoughts of wanting to kill yourself optional.
Just 2 of the god knows how many triggers I walk around with in this world on a moment to moment basis.
Getting trigged even 3 fucking years later at very inconvenient times.
While I'm trying to move forward and get on with my life.
So like, when's this all going to stop? When am I finally going to be "over it"?
It's not like I'm consciously choosing to have these memories come up.
And consciously choosing to feel pain in my body.
It just happens.
I'm not choosing to feel terrified of meeting new people.
I'm not choosing to almost have a panic attack when I'm about to have sex with someone new.
I'm not choosing to cringe and want to die when Team America is on TV.
I'm not choosing to want to choke someone when I see the movie A Lot Like Love.
I'm not choosing to feel like shit while listening to over half of the music out there in the world.
I'm not choosing to replay all these memories in my head over and over again.
And yet, a part of me is still generating all of this and won't fucking stop.
No matter how much I try to stop it or how much time has passed.
It's like a series of open wounds that'll never fucking heal.
Just growing bigger and bigger with each cut, scrape and bruise I get through living life.
Piling up in this landfill of emotions I'd rather not feel and this history of memories I'd rather not remember.
Can't there be a way to like, push the reset button on your memory?
Be a blank slate all over again like when we were kids.
Where everything was fresh, everything was new.
Walking around curious, adventurous, and in wonder of the world.
Not yet having learned pain, betrayal and loss.
Not yet having learned fear, avoidance and how to put up walls.
Not yet automatically limiting ourselves.
Not yet automatically carrying a ghost of our past with us on a day to day basis in present time.
And not having a choice in the matter.